There are always stages in life when you feel lost, but I have come to realize they are harder as years go by. We are, if lucky, in the middle of our life; still young enough not to think about death, but old enough to think about what lies ahead: 40 more years of paying bills, meaningless jobs, and always hoping to have free time to enjoy ourselves doing something else.
We feel disconnected from our friends and family as they seem to have sorted their lives out. We feel like we are always doing the wrong thing, that we should be doing something else. We feel like we should be married by now, have children, a mortgage and a nice suit to go to work with. And all these thoughts take you back to the past. Where were my mistakes? Which one was the first one? What should I have done instead? And, stupidly, we hold to that thought thinking that the outcome of our lives would have been different. But would it? Would my life really be better if I had had children with the wrong person?
And we search for approval; we want to fit in. We want a feeling of belonging, because we need to feel loved and wanted. And you don’t feel that anymore. You know there’s love in your life, but you cannot feel it. The feeling of emptiness has taken over and you don’t know how to stop it. And nothing makes sense anymore…
You don’t talk to people because you feel that they will be judgemental and condescending. You look for that “something else” that will give you a sense of purpose but you are, either tired from working long hours to pay bills, or thinking that it is not worth the effort as the result will be the same. You start one thing, and then another, hoping that that way you will find the missing piece, although deep inside you know that you won’t find it there. Instead, you sit down and think that hopefully one day you will have the guts to break your chains and be free. But, what will I do with my freedom? Where will I go? Would it be the right path to take?
We are stuck on a road that we know where it ends, hoping that we will be in the one that leads you to the unknown. But we are afraid…We are afraid of losing the things that we DO have, the people we love, even if we are disconnected from them. We are afraid of making past mistakes again and finding ourselves old and grey wondering about the same things we are wondering now but with less time. And so, we choose to be on the safe path. You are not the master of your fate, nor the captain of your soul. And you pray that karma exists and pays you back a bit of what it owes you, because we are vain and we want to think that we deserve it. And despite your atheistic beliefs, you pray.
You pray for something to lit the light within yourself.